Tam's Thoughts and Wanderings

Well friends, it looks like my time at Livejournal has ended. I really do not enjoy this site, and so I am only going to be writing on my new blog from now on. I am still going to check in frequently to see what you all are up to, so keep me on your FL, and I hope you will come visit me at my new ministry blog:

http://365forjesus.blogspot.com/

Subscribe to it if you have a Blogger account, otherwise I hope you will say hi from time to time! :) 

Love you all <3

2008 has been one of the most rewarding and challenging years I've ever lived.  I probably said something similar in my 2007 entry, but believe me when I say I had no idea back then how rich and precious and incredible life is - through both pain and pleasure. We're inherently built to find beauty on both sides of the fence, and I am glad I have!

Here's my official 2008 reflection and goodbye. May everyone have an amazing and safe New Year's this week! <3

You Rock My World

Sam, I have never in my life loved someone as much as I've loved the 8 pounds of sweetness that is little you.

The birth of our first child in July obviously was a huge part of 2008. His unexpected arrival 2 months early (I guess my baby shower was just THAT much fun that he wanted to come out and party... ) completely stunned us, but also blessed us tremendously as we realized what a tenacious little fighter he was.

He's home, healthy and through it all we learned what an AMAZING support system of friends & family we have, as well as what a remarkable gift it is to be a parent!  

He is my little man, my knight in cotton onesie, and I am so amazingly grateful for him. I wake up every morning and cannot believe he's here!









We will never have anything in common. I will always think she is a complete freak, and she will always think I am a shallow snob. But for some reason, we still enjoy each other's companionship whenever our paths cross.

She's in Santa Cruz, I'm in Sacramento, I am jealous she lives 10 minutes from the beach, and she agrees that she's in a pretty good spot :) I love my baby sister and admire some of the tough choices she has made this year.

Good job Becky, you're one of my roundabout heroes. Now get out of bed.


 










I have the best friends in the universe. It is pathetic that I cannot figure out how to layout just a handful of photos correctly, but here are just a few examples of the most amazing women in my life, which is probably a mistake to post because there are too many to slap up a photo of. I am so grateful for the impact they've had on me. There are so many weekly and monthly traditions that make my heart so happy. And for those of you who are out of state and far away......you're never really far from me at all <3.


 

My dance ministry has continued to revolutionize my life. I am so excited to be committing time in 2009 to expanding and developing it more than ever before. There are so many inside jokes and special moments with this wonderful crew. From the youngest child in her first pair of ballet shoes, to the dancers that are older than me and have taught me how to be stronger and more confident as a leader, I am forever grateful to them. They are my joy and remind me of God's love and His miracles every day I spend with them.




Things I Loved in 2008

According to Frank, I am the only person on earth who thought The Brothers Solomon was funny. I don't know if it was because I was pregnant or just plain loopy, but I loved it. The Secret Life of Bees was oh so melancholy, but beautifully done, and I definitely want to watch it again! Walk Hard and Step Brothers win the award for most inappropriate yet hilarious films I saw in '08, and well, you've gotta rent Tropic Thunder.



We axed the cable in 2008, but I still managed to maintain these addictions.



Books I am so glad I read: The Irresistable Revolution and The Heart of the Artist. I am relieved to know I am not the only moody, renegade Christian in the world :) 




Why I Already Love 2009

1) Going to the Caribbean in July
2) Going to Hawaii for Christmas
3) Project 365 is going to be amazing!
4) I'm going to get to write and dance more than ever before.
5) I might even........get some sleep :) 

It's almost the New Year, and I'm heading in a new direction! I've wanted to do this for a REALLY long time and I am so excited it is finally happening. Please take a moment to read and bookmark my new blog.

http://365forjesus.blogspot.com/

I'll still be posting here for now, but next year you'll definitely see more of a focus on this blog and maybe a sister one somewhere else for the rest of my life. Livejournal just isn't the greatest of platforms out there, but I don't want to lose my friends here either! So we'll see, we'll see!

How crazy. I heard this from a friend on facebook today and didn't believe it. But the media has confirmed.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/17/BUIU14PDMV.DTL

I worked there forever. I have some amazing memories from that place, have developed some utterly insane friendships, and spilled beer on lots of upper middle class executives during my early college days.

It's the end of an era :) 

Did anyone else catch that 20/20 special tonight about that high school musical? 
All I have to say is, it made me SO grateful for my non-egotistical dancers.
I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!! Thank you for not being like that Megan chick!!!!!!! <3

I love Weinerschnitzel. I know that when it comes to fast food, Weinerschnitzel is about as low quality disgusting as one can find. But I still have an intense love for it. I am ashamed.

There happens to be a Weinerschnitzel near the hospital Sam goes for his pediatric specialist appointments, and so I always feel obligated to pay homage to my favorite little hot dog dive whenever I am in the area. Today, they were having a great special - pick 4 for 4 bucks...and so even though I definitely didn't need 2 hot dogs, I got 2 hot dogs.

Sayonara, girlish figure (sarcasm. it's long gone.) 

So I ate one hot dog on my way home, ate my fries (why stop at polluting my body with just unidentifiable meat, right?) and then convinced myself I did not need the second hot dog.

Okay God, I said out loud. If I drive by a homeless person or anyone really looking remotely hungry, I will pull over and give them my hot dog.

Three freeway exits later, right on the way to my house, I passed a woman about my age, holding a "homeless and hungry" sign.

This is where I should be able to tell you that I made the easy U-turn so I could go back the half a block to her and hand her a free lunch.

But I didn't. Why didn't I? Because I am selfish and wanted my dang hot dog? 

Not exactly. More because I am selfish and absorbed with my life. I wanted to get the baby home, I wanted to get my writing deadlines done, I wanted to get the dance blog completed before the clock struck Tuesday, and I wanted to do a hundred other things that didn't really involve making a difference in this world.

I didn't used to be that sort of person. It seems the more content with life I become - great friends, wonderful church, handsome little son - the more worthless I become. I used to criticize the world for having an apparent drought of compassion - and then today as I threw my second hot dog in the fridge, I realized that I am just as responsible for that as most people I know.

I had asked God to to give me an opportunity to do a little nice thing. That exact opportunity arose, and I cruised on by.

 

You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying Him, and committing yourself firmly to Him.

 

~ Deuteronomy 30:20

Ouch.

I feel like I've been disobedient to God in a big way lately.......namely, He's placed a huge calling on my life that I've sort of been ignoring. I've been intimidated by the potential consequences of going out on a limb for the Lord. I have been scared of the instability that may come from leaving my little cushy life behind.

 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

~ Proverbs 13:12

But I think I am ready to fully take that chance now, and thanks to a really good meeting with one of my ministry heroes back in my college town, I feel a whole lot braver about it than I did before.

 

The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him.

~ Lamentations 3:25

So please pray for me this week, as I present to some people my plan to ditch all of my little dreams....in order to fulfill one huge one.

I really need two websites made. Anyone looking to earn some noteriety, and no money whatsoever? ;) I used to think it was my thing, but now I realize it so isn't.

I need help.

Blah.

Alright, the photos didn't load during my last entry, so let's try again.

They are here: 

http://sam.warta.us/

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!!!!!

Love,
Tam

So I really wanted to wait until actual Thanksgiving before putting Sam in his Thanksgiving outfit I got him, but I just couldn't resist today! :) It is a 0-7 pounds ensemble, but still pathetically too big, so the shirt and pants are rolled way up. But gosh I love my little boy :) 










Thank you Lord, that we have SO much to be thankful for this year!!!!!!!!

Another major reason I miss the bay area to add to my list.........

I was driving through this parking lot near our house, and a person ran a stop sign, and then honked at me. Then they turned around to follow me, chasing me, honking at me, and then finally pulling alongside me and SCREAMING at me for not being acutely aware of THEIR mistake.

In the bay area, people don't have time for that crap. You would just get flipped off really quick and then move on with life.

My goodness.

For everyone who said that I wasn't truly a Christian for wanting to vote no on Prop 8, let this be a lesson to you.....

This is a video of something that happened in San Francisco when a group of well-meaning believers gathered to pray. They were accidentally associated as Prop 8 supporters, and chaos ensued.



Do you still believe your yes on 8 vote broke through to those who need Christ's love in the same manner ALL of us do? Sure looks like a warm reception to me! ;)

The thing that probably bothers me most is that a few of them then went on to make a statement online saying "we forgive you" to these angry, hurt people. Why be so arrogant as to phrase it that way? Can't you just stop at we love you, God loves you, etc.? Why put yourself on a throne?

I am, once again, extremely heartbroken and saddened for both sides. This is not Christ's will.

Today I am ridiculously hopeful. Two of my biggest wish list items for the dance ministry may come true very soon. I've been praying like mad, and have asked the dancers to pray too for

1) A solution to our horrid space issue. There are so many dancers in the studio at one time, that we are constantly smacking into walls - and each other!

2) That we could possibly have our show at an off-site location. I adore the church, but it is frustrating and we are outgrowing it. This one, I gave God His will on. The rehearsal space - I admit it, I kicked and screamed toward heaven a bit.

Anyway, I was contacted by a woman today who may rent us their studio space, and it is HUGE compared to ours. And I always have a date to meet with the person who runs a gorgeous black box theatre in town. How's THAT for an artistically productive day? 

Some of you may remember two years ago, (and if you do, you either read my blog too much or know me too well!)  when I tried this thing I called Project Three Six Five. I kept a separate blog where I committed to telling one person about Christ every day. None of it involved protesting against gay marriage or being all hellfire and brimstone-y about everything. I tried to be Christlike in my speech and actions, attempting to love and be bold wherever God opened a door. This was supposed to go on for a year.

I made it to Day 328 or something, and then sort of drifted away from it all. Dang it. So close.

Fast forward two years, to this project that has continued to weigh on my mind. I was amazed to discover that the Project 365 blog was still alive and well on the Internet, and even more amazed that I even thought to search for it. So much has happened since 2006 - I am far from being even remotely close to the same person.

Now one of my biggest passions? The dance ministry - for better or worse, it is my heart. So when it came time to present the Spring show idea, I sort of timidly told Pastor Scott about Project 365. He loved it. He told someone else the idea who loved it. And now some of our ministry leadership is in a total freakout over it.

So this Spring, myself along with 25 dancers and actors, are going to perform a stage version of Project 365, and will then encourage other Christians to commit a year of their life to sharing God's message with love, respect, and a passion not normally seen in this world.

I am nervous, scared, and totally excited. Not all of the dancers know what a big deal this has the potential to be, but they will soon!

I am simultaneously so anxious and peaceful to see what the Lord is going to do. So.....if you're in Sacramento the weekend after Easter, come see what happens! :) 

As a side note, I love Sam :) We took him to Apple Hill this weekend.


Sam with his "girlfriend", Izzy, who is 4 months older than him and Connie's little girl :)


Family photo op at Apple Hill


I love my little Sam! :) 

I am so glad this election is almost over. I'm sick of seeing the graphic Prop 2 ads that make me cry. I'm tired of hearing about how Palin genuinely believes we are at war with IRAN, or how Obama is a MUSLIM. I'm tired of the cut downs, sick of the slandering, be it fact or fiction, and really I picked my side on all of the issues long ago.

I can't wait to vote tomorrow. I have never been so simultaneously proud and frustrated with being an American.

I read this comment on a friend's facebook today. One of her friends left it.

"As a Christian, it would be crazy to tell someone how to vote. We should, instead, ask other Christians to allow God to guide them in their voting. We all hear God differently. It is not my job, nor that of any other Christian, to decide whether your voting is in line with my idea of right. Don't let the words or actions of some Christians affect your feelings of the group as a whole. I have my convictions and will vote accordingly. I pray that you will do the same. They have to be your convictions, not mine. I love you, your passion and your willingness to speak your mind."

I just love that. If you support McCain, great. If you support Obama, great. But my heart becomes sad when people begin to judge each other off of something that will be decided by secret ballot. Or start to tell each other, well if you believe this, then you MUST vote this.

I almost peed myself when I saw a sign on the street today that said,  "Jesus would vote no on Prop 8."

Wow, so we know how Jesus would vote, do we? How icky that someone would disrespect my Lord in that manner. As a side note, I would be as equally freaked out if it had said Jesus would vote yes. So don't go off calling me a conservative OR a lesbian. Last time I checked, I was a heterosexual with a right wing, left wing, chicken wing attitude.

I don't have to banter on message boards. I don't need to pray that God will let a certain candidate win.

I would much rather see His will be done.

If we all stood in a room with our political nakedness exposed, I think a lot of Christians would be surprised at how many Christians are voting Liberal tomorrow. And likewise.

But the important thing is to show love and understanding to each other. I think THAT'S what Jesus would've voted for!

I could be wrong in all this, but after all the crazy statements and extremist belly aching, I was totally captured by a Prop 8 demonstration that went on right down the street from our house.

Those both for and against the proposition, standing side by side. Over a thousand of them, representing both sides, and not a single arrest all day long. 

Here's an article about it:  http://www.news10.net/news/story.aspx?storyid=50048&catid=2.

May God protect our nation and teach us how to keep our heads once again.

Go vote tomorrow everybody!

I wish I had a way to get the photos off of my ghetto camera phone and post them on here, so you can all see evidence of the crime-filled adventure I had last week.

A while back, I lost my wallet and some fraud charges were placed on my card before I had a chance to cancel it. (Yes, the responsible adult I am, I waited till AFTER the New Kids concert to call the bank, but whatever....). I had finally said goodbye to my security and resigned myself to a future in the DMV line, when lo and behold two police officers come banging on the front door. They had pulled over a guy, and found my ID and various other cards on him. They told me I had to go to The Sands Motel to meet the officers who had found it, and identify the wallet.

So off I went to a seedy 50 buck a night joint surrounded by cop cars...they were handcuffing the guy and his sidekick, who I will hereafter refer to as sleepy smoker chick, just as I was walking up. The two of them were holed up in a motel room at The Sands with stolen goods and a stack of credit cards & IDs. When the police tried to come into the room, someone inside shoved a screwdriver through the lock and the door frame to attempt to slow them down. The geniuses then tried to start flushing the various cards down the toilet, including Sam's medical insurance card.

Long story short, the cops had to rip the toilet out of the wall to get my stuff back (gross!) and I got to watch the two fugitives get thrown into squad cars. I am not one for revenge.....but this was pretty cool payback.

And I'm glad I didn't have to waste a million hours of my life at the DMV. I'm gonna be more careful with my wallet now, especially since my new one is pink, which is obviously much better than the former brown one I had been toting around.

In other news, SAM IS HOME! He came home last Sunday, and there is a goodbye video and photos on his website. We haven't been sleeping much, but we are ever joyful and grateful for the way God has worked so many miracles in our lives! We are really sorry we haven't gotten back to a lot of emails and phone calls yet.......we will! We have just been insanely busy with our little guy.



It's fun to watch him just hang out and relax with us :)

I killed myself tonight with a four hour dance rehearsal - getting ready for Sunday, plus the regular gang that practices from 7-8:30. Tuesdays always exercise my emotions as well as my body.....what do they think of me? Do they think I am a good leader? Do they think I am a total idiot? Does what they think really matter?......sometimes I do a dance step so poorly, I just cringe inside. Sometimes the entire practice comes together in an awesome way (not tonight!) and I feel on top of the world, like I am leading my ministry with all my ducks in a row. I want God to continue to use me...but I have to get better...at everything!

I thank the Lord for his constant improvements in my life, both technically and spiritually....and I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to devote my life to ministry. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have had a few weeks filled with good friends, including a fun catch up with Jenn and then a special delivery from Katie....the most adorable blanket she made for Sam!

Sam is doing awesome. He just carries on through so much...he is my 5 pound hero! He had a really rough time after surgery, but is doing so much better now...I hope we get to take him home soon!

My life is so good. It is so encouraging to just take a breather sometimes, reserve a moment to look back....and really see how blessed we really are.

Thanks, God. For my family. For my friends. For dance. For you always supplying our needs. For life. For love. For little victories that add up to the most amazing of days.

One lesson I've learned this week about being a mom, is that sometimes parents just have to deal with feeling hurt and helpless in regards to their kids. I guess I just didn't expect to feel that way when Sam was only two months old.

This is a photo of me and my baby boy on Sunday.



He was alert and vibrant, and full of excitement to see the world around him. He was so bright eyed and inquisitive, that for a moment I felt really sad that all he has been allowed to ever see outside of the womb is the walls of his hospital nursery. It seems unfair somehow, that while most babies his age are being taken to mommy meet up groups, the grocery store, church, and places where he can be shown off to friends and family, Sam looks around all day long and sees tubes, wires, and incubators everywhere he looks.

But anyway, I'm always able to shake those feelings off, and know that it's for the best, so that he can have a big and strong (LONG) life full of everything he could ever hope to see and experience.

So yesterday was his surgery day. He cried all morning as Frank & I took turns holding him, trying to rationalize with a 4 pound ball of hysterical confusion, trying to explain to him why we couldn't feed him even though he was so hungry. And then they wheeled him upstairs to surgery and he was still looking around, so wide-eyed and trusting. I kissed his cheeks and off he went.

Last night I saw him post-surgery, and I didn't even recognize him. The ventilator forced open his mouth in an unnatural oval shape, I touched his chest and could feel him breathe in a sort of mechanical way that made my stomach turn. His little hand was all bruised from an IV attempt, and two other IVs were stuck inside of him - one in his arm, one in his head.

They fixed the hernias, they reconnected his stomach, and between the battle scars and anesthesia, my baby lay on a little table under a heat lamp, pale and lifeless, as a machine helped him breathe. "Breathing is handy," Frank said as a joke yesterday. Yeah, it sure is. Come on baby, get better so we can take you off of these beastly machines.

I left his nursery sobbing last night, he looked so helpless. I felt so helpless. As I opened gifts at my baby shower and laughed with friends as they rubbed my belly and picked out adorable little boy outfits.....I never expected motherhood to start out like this.

I saw him again this morning, and he looked worse. His belly is distended, and we are holding our breath until the doctors figure out why. His eyes were swollen, and he barely stirred as his diaper was changed and the doctor examined him. Maybe it makes me a horrible mommy, but I could only stand to stay for half an hour. I just wanted to hold him, and cuddle him, and look into his big blue eyes and remind him again (like we always do), that he has an amazing entourage outside waiting to meet him, that he will have so many fun adventures, so much love surrounding him.

But it's super hard to hold out hope for him, when today is the first official day my hope is gone.

I don't want any more bad news. I don't want to fight through wires and nurses to snuggle Sam anymore.

I also don't want to be a total drama queen who can't talk about anything except her hospitalized baby and how it is getting more difficult every day.

Today is just one day too many.

My little Samuel is 2 months old today!

See how much he has grown!

http://sam.warta.us

I love you, baby. Keep up the good work!

So these photos didn't make it onto Sam's website, though I firmly believe in my heart they should have.  :) 

They also probably won't work well as a promotion photo for Kaiser's new NICU that is opening out here in a few months.

I title it Paranoia at 8 Weeks.


 

This morning as I was going through the motions of my new life as Sam's personal dairy farm, I was watching the Today show. New Kids on the Block were performing, and you can imagine how freak out happy I was, since Elisa and I have halted our "real" lives in order to go to their concert in October and re-live our elementary school glory days.

She loved Joe, I loved Jordan.....they're both still pretty hot, but Jordan's gay, right? Just goes to show how good my judgment was at age 10. There I go, lusting after the gay boys....this was also a  common occurance in early high school before I met Frank....but I digress.....

So there were the New Kids, singing a hit from 1990, dancing like total has-beens.

And then the absolute best part........the camera pans out into the crowd, which is made up of 20 and 30 something women (see Frank? Me & Elisa aren't the only ones who bought tickets!!!!! Ha!), and there in the center of it all is a middle aged man, just totally rocking out to Step by Step. He knew every single word....and then he noticed the camera and stopped pretty quick. 

My message to aforementioned middle aged man? Don't be ashamed, old guy. It's really theraputic to look back on what once made you happy. So go ahead and sing your loudest.

I never thought that my favorite boy band crush from almost 20 years ago (eek) would cause deep thinking, but low and behold, here I am, reflecting back on others who made me happy.

It's one of God's biggest blessings, and one of human beings' biggest heartbreaks - how some people are just perfectly aligned in our lives for a season, and then it's time to say goodbye. It's odd how it works, but sometimes I stand back in awe of what a difference those people have made in my life, and I can't help but be incessantly grateful.

My 2nd grade teacher was so humongous that she used to break a sweat walking down the school corridor. She died several years of a heart attack (go figure), but she had love & compassion for us snot nosed brats that was larger than she was.

I had another teacher in 10th grade who made it her mission to inspire me toward greater things after I became probably the first honors' student to ever receive a D on their report card. I still got booted out of the honors program, but without her, I probably never would have gone to college eventually and made lifelong friendships I still cherish today.

My YWAM leader majorly kicked my dancer butt into gear, and also forced me to purge all the "teen angst" out of my life. No more cutting, no more fear, no more wallowing. I get to correspond with her maybe once every other month now.....but those 60 days I got to see her everyday.....revolutionized my world.

The moral of the story? Don't ever think you're just some sort of vapor that goes through people. Because somewhere, somehow, you're bound to stick. And what are you going to leave them with?

We're all here to make a difference. We all have someone to inspire, someone to teach, someone to help grow.

I don't think I've been much of an inspiration yet. I can't off the top of my head think of anyone I've helped significantly, but I want to try to always live my life as someone who is on the brink of doing so.

Life gives us hurts. Life gives us challenges.

God gives us the strength to decide whether or not we are going to handle them with the strongest of faith and most graceful of actions.

Or are we just going to sit around all pissed off for eternity, holding tighter to our grudges than we do to opportunity? 

Think about it.

Wow......a New Kids on the Block concert caused all this? I really need to get more sleep.